If I Stay
by myowntragedy
Summary: A story in which Lexa is trying to get over her past that keeps on haunting her until she met a blue eyed blonde that turned her world upside down. Could it be coincidence or fate bringing them together?
For the past 2 years you've been trying to forget the pain of losing someone, the pain of feeling helpless and all other sentiments in one while the one you love walked away from your life and never looked back. At first you tried to call out their name, hopeful and wishing that they will look at you and they'll see in your eyes how much they mean to you and maybe it could be a reason to stop them from leaving, but it didn't. But you know what's more painful? It's the fact that no matter how much you cried, no matter how much you plead, they still left. It left you vulnerable and fragile and while tears flow down your face, all you can do is ask yourself "What did I do wrong?" and the days after that you keep on asking yourself the exact same question, over and over and over again until it drags you into your own melancholy that maybe you're not enough, maybe your love wasn't enough to hold her and make her stay.

Two years gone by and up until now you've been trying to get over it, you've been trying to shove the hurt at the farthest part of your heart, of your being, because that's what your best friend told you and you thought that maybe she's right, the girl you love since the beginning, she's not coming back, ever. How many drunken nights have you spent in a bar crying over her, praying to god to take away the pain, talking to the bartender about the pathetic situation you are in and puke your guts out just before you are able to hop in the cab when it's time for you to go home. Home. You laughed bitterly because home doesn't feel like home for you anymore, it served as just a place for you to crash whenever you want to sleep or you're too drunk to drive to your best friend's apartment. From it being a humble abode for you, now it's just a four walled apartment that holds so many memories of your past, of her.

You wake up the next day with a throbbing in your head while you take notice of the loud noise in the kitchen and you know it's your best friend Raven probably trying make breakfast, you reached for your phone and looked at it while sighing in exasperation.

" _Jeez fuck! It's 6:48 am Raven_ " you tried to cover yourself with your thick blanket and try to block the clatter from outside your room.

" _That's it! I give up! You better get up so we can eat breaky or you make me food_." Raven snarled as she barged in your room throwing herself in your bed. " _I have a hangover and why the fuck are you up at this hour on a Saturday?. Dammit Raven, Saturday."_ You asked as you try to tug the blanket back to cover your face from your best friend.

" _C'mon Lexa we were supposed to jog today in Central Park or did you forget about that again_?" Raven got up and opened the curtain letting the sun shine through all the corners of the room.

" _This place is so dull and sucking away all the life left in you. So come on! You're not going to lay in your bed just like the usual and this time we are going out._ " You felt the blanket slowly uncovering your face and your body.

" _Ugh. Leave me alone, sleep is more important for me at the moment. We can jog tomorrow_." you complained as you show no signs of getting up. The next thing you know is, Raven holding both of your ankles and pulling you off the bed and it made you squeal loud. " _There you go_." She said as she kissed both her arms in victory. " _Sorry babe but my muscles here won't take no for an answer plus the fact you've been telling me that for months_ so _no I'm not buying it_."

You sighed loudly as your body lay on the floor looking up at Raven's smug face. "Seriously _Lexa you gotta get up. I'm doing this for you, not for me."_ Since now you're awake, you decided to drag yourself up and might as well go with your friend because you know that she won't leave you alone even if you cried blood of tears for it.

" _Alright, alright! I'm up! Let me just get ready and I'll go jog with you._ " Raven made her way out of your room until she stopped in her tracks " _Do not go back to sleep or I swear to god I'll throw cold water on you again_." You sighed in response. " _I won't, I promise. I don't want to catch another cold, I haven't even recovered yet from the last time you did that._ "

When she knows that you are telling the truth, she left you alone to change clothes while she went back to the kitchen to grab her phone and put her runners on. You didn't bother much with what you're going to wear so you put on your tank top, your shorts as well as your runners.

" _Ready?_ " you asked as you grabbed your water bottle from the fridge. " _Yes! Let's go!_ " Raven chirped as she was happy to finally make you go out and spend time with her in which you felt bad because now you realized that she was trying to understand that you're going through a rough time and that it wasn't fair that you drag Raven in the hell hole that you are in at the moment. So you decided that today will be the day that you're really going to try, not just for yourself but for Raven as well.

" _How in the hell did you have that energy in you?"_ Lexa said out of breath.

" _It's in the borderline of I'm not moping in my room 24/7 and not drowning myself in alcohol_." Raven said sarcastically as she passed her friend their water bottle.

" _Are you okay tho?_ " she asked concerned.

" _My knees feel like jello, I might pass out any second._ " Lexa walked towards the bench across from her and sat down. " _Why did I even jog with you to begin with? What was I thinking?_ " Raven laughed at Lexa's distressed look " _That's what you get for being a lazy bitch for months._ "

" _I'm done for today. Might as well done for the whole year_ , this _run could last a lifetime_ " Lexa exclaimed as she closed her eyes feeling the cool wind dribble through her body. " _Don't be so dramatic Lex, we've been just out and about for like 2 hours."_

As her eyes closed, her ears drowned all the noises around her including Raven's voice in the background, all she could remember was the reason why she stopped jogging, let alone stop going to this particular park. Yet again, she was brought back to the day where she didn't know it would be the last time she'll be going here with her. Her former lover's face appeared in her head as sweat flowed down her face along her neck and Lexa swear that she could never be not beautiful in her eyes.

" _You and Cos-"_ Raven stopped and put a hand on her mouth as Lexa opened her eyes and stared at her, she felt like all the air got knocked out of her lungs. Hearing her name, a name that stings and penetrates right through her heart.

" _Oh my god Lexa I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to bring her up or anything. I'm sorry_." Raven said remorsefully.

" _It's okay Raven_." Lexa didn't know how she managed to say okay, the other girl looked at her with sad eyes.

" _It's because of her isn't it?_ " Lexa nodded while she looked down at her hands. " _Oh honey_." Strong arms enveloped her thin frame as her friend held her whispering that she'll be okay.

" _After she left, I don't know where to go you know. I can't have the life in me to come here because all I could see is her, how she goes for her jog every morning while I sit on our bench waiting for her to finish. Once in a while she will stop to where I was sitting and will give me a peck on the lips and then runs off again like she did something mischievous. The memories of us going here, it pains me so much. And it's not just here, the coffee shop, our go to coffee shop I can't even look at the face of the barista you know, because whenever he gives me that look, all it screams is pity towards me. Then there goes her favorite restaurant around the corner, everything about New York reminds me of her. And it hurts too much Raven. It hurts so much that it's been two years and I'm still stuck here when for sure she was able to move on already. How many days? How long will my heart suffer from breaking into a million pieces? It's already shattered and I don't even know if I still have a heart inside me. Didn't I suffer enough Rae?"_

At the sound of her friend's heartache, all Raven could do is coo her and tell her that she's going to be alright while asking herself internally when will that happen because she can't look at her friend anymore without breaking.

" _Do you want to move somewhere else? You know I'll come with you right?"_ her eyes darted towards her best friend.

" _I was planning to but you don't have to come with me Raven. I mean your life is here whereas I don't feel like New York is my home anymore. I don't belong here anymore_." Raven stood up and pulled her up.

" _Let's talk about it a little later but first let's grab something to eat because I'm famished and I heard there's this newly opened café a couple blocks here and apparently people are going crazy over it so I want to check it out."_

You look at Raven and wipe the tears you didn't know you had and walked with her. " _You know I believe in you Lex right? I believe that one day you'll wake up and you finally moved on and then someone will waltz in your life and make you feel loved again, like you're supposed to be loved. And I will be around the corner smiling at you because I know you deserved it, you deserve all the love in the world babe_." Lexa looked at Raven with a sad smile.

" _You think so Rae?_ " she feigned hurt at you.

" _Are you questioning my intelligence Alexandria Woods_?" Lexa rolled her eyes at her friend as she was dragged inside the restaurant Raven was talking about.

" _I think this is the best pancake I had all my life" Raven said with her mouth full of food._ " _Oh jeez Rae, do you know the word chewing? I'll laugh at you if you choke on your food by doing that_." Lexa explained in a serious tone earning an eye roll from her friend. " _Yes mom_!"

" _Plus my pancake is better than this, although it can compete to a close second_." Lexa shrugged nonchalantly.

" _Clarke? Clarke? Earth to Clarke? Who the fuck are you gaping again huh Griffin?"_

" _Octavia stop! You're blocking a great view_." Clarke swatted her friend's hand that blocking her view to a brunette across from them. Mesmerized was an understatement because she sure knows that she is more than mesmerized.

" _Of course you and brunettes._ " Octavia said as she feeds her mouth with food. " _Seriously tho, you gape like a hormonal teenage boy to girls like that but you don't have the courage to get up and ask for their number, let alone their name."_ as soon as she finished she received a cucumber thrown her way.

" _Oh please like you can talk, You've been eyeing Lincoln there the first time we discovered this place and up until now name is all you got_." Clarke smirked at Octavia teasingly. _"I got more game than you O_." and it earned a gob smacked expression from Octavia.

" _Oh yeah? Then show me your game, get up go to hottie there ask for her name and number._ " Clarke looked at Octavia and crossed her arms. _"Why will I do that? Plus the other brunette looks like her girlfriend anyway, I don't' want to be punched in the face by asking for her girlfriend's name in front of her."_

Octavia looked at her friend and smirked. " _You just can't do it Griffin, plus we both know before you even get to their table you've already pissing your pants in nervousness_."

Clarke looked over to the table and sighed. " _You're probably right, I mean look at her, she's so beautiful and I mean why would she have an interest with someone like me? I mean who am I? Look at me. I look like a hobo whereas she looks like a goddess_." Clarke placed her elbow on the table and looks at the brunette in fascination.

" _Fuck!"_

" _What_?" Octavia asked her friend who got stiff in her seat. " _What happened?"_

" _She caught me staring."_ Clarke covered her face as she felt blush creeping up neck up to her cheeks. _"Is she still looking? Oh my god this is so embarrassing!"_ she felt her cheeks on fire as she asks Octavia. " _I don't want to look at their direction and got them thinking I'm as creep as you are. Nah ah."_

Clarke felt like she wants the ground to open and swallow her alive, this is the first time she has been caught staring as she tried to be subtle about it and then she guessed that maybe this time she wasn't subtle enough.

" _What's with the sudden rush Lex? Is everything okay?"_ Raven asked as she looks for answer from her friend. " _The blonde across from us, I caught her staring at me?"_

Raven looked over and saw that the blonde has her hands covered in her face. " _Are you sure? She ain't staring tho? Maybe that's just in your head Lexa. You're reading too much of it, and who knows you might both looked at the same direction at the same time_." Raven shrugged at her friend. " _And plus can you blame her? I mean if I'm not your best friend and I didn't know you and saw you sitting like that in all your glory, I would stare too."_

Lexa laughed at Raven's statement " _Oh hush you_." She looked over at the blonde and she saw her looking at her again so she thought of being naughty just a little bit by blowing a kiss on her direction and as she saw the blonde's eyes go huge for being caught again she gave her a flirty smirk. " _Please don't kill poor blondie Lexa. That's so rude of you_." Raven said as she got up and followed Lexa to the door .

If Clarke wanted the floor to swallow her, this time she prayed that the gods will give her the energy to hold herself up before she explodes. Her eyes can't believe that yet again, she was caught gaping at her, but the fact that the brunette threw a flying kiss and that sexy smirk to her, didn't help her case. She didn't know what the feeling was but she felt so compelled to her. When she and Octavia walked in the restaurant she didn't know that a brunette with her hair tied up in a messy loose bun, wearing that tank top that showed a right amount of cleavage and firm arms and black tight running shorts that exposes her legs that seems to go on forever will leave her brain in a twist. Thinking about it, it's not just her brain but her whole being, she's trying to think what it was with the brunette that she was so attracted and felt compelled by her. She thought she saw hundreds of beautiful women all her life but this time it was different, this time she can't pinpoint it out. So here she was raking her brain for answers and asking herself the question over and over again while watching the said brunette walked out the restaurant with her companion.

" _I can't believe you didn't ask her name Griffin_." Octavia quirked.

" _If we are meant to meet then we will meet_." Clarke saying as if it's no big deal for her, but deep inside her head, she was secretly praying that she will be given another chance to come across the girl again.

" _Absolutely! One in a million chance of bumping into her here. I mean no biggie; it's just New York you know_." Octavia said casually as she gained another flying cucumber into her side.


End file.
